Someone smart once said “start at the beginning and go from there.” No, idk who. Is my name Alexa? Google it! Now stop asking dumb questions and listen up! This is my new forum to drop some pearls of wisdom on you. Ok, maybe not wisdom per se, but some truth as I have come to know it, and hopefully/maybe some life lessons, sprinkled with hilarious hijinks and generally offensive fun. Perhaps my insights (aka drug enduced ramblings and recountings of poor life choices), will spare you from suffering a similar fate. But, honestly, I doubt it, what with the multitude of unhinged assholes roaming this planet.
Maybe, through my shared time experiences, you’ll become wiser and learn some real important moral lessons. Again, doubtful, but here goes nothing…
Still reading then? Good, that means you’re my kind of people: nuts. If you’re not outright nuts, then you’re probably just straight up boring, or just really good at hiding your crazy, and nobody likes a sneak, so just own it already!
Okay, good. Now can we all just get over ourselves, get cozy, and get ready to hear a little story that I like to call “WTF Bro?!… and other thoughts.”
I’ll be your narrator through this misguided tour de force. Think of me as old Gran Beasy, tucking you in tight with a nice bedtime story. Except I’m like way hotter. And younger. With amazing boobs…
Ew, stop perving on your granny!
Let’s just say I’m a super sexy protagonist (and some times villainess) making my way through this lascivious labyrinth of life. And, maybe that’s being generous, but it’s my blog, so deal with it.
What’s inspired me to mount this virtual soap box is the laughable, hatable, unbelievable reality, or virtual reality, that has somehow become my life. As a 32 year old single white female (yes, exactly like a modern day Bridget Fonda, but hotter) living in America in 2016, I’m dumbfounded on a daily basis. Yes, it could be from all the weed, but hear me out (and stop interrupting, or else!)
For the sake of expediency (and bc it’s just too gd depressing and awful), for now, let’s just set aside the current state of American politics / reality TV, the military-industrial machine, the suffering of innocent unfortunates & political refugees, global warming, and even the Brangelina breakup, just to focus on the one issue that’s most pertinent to me and many of my similarly privileged cohorts: online dating.
Nowadays, apps like Tinder, Bumble, Grinder, Match, etc have revolutionized the dating scene and how singles interact with each other. Gone are the days of coy flirting, well-mannered courting, and even conventional phone conversations. The marvels of modern technology now spare us all that pesky personal interaction, in favor of superficial swiping. It’s immediate gratification, anytime, anywhere, right on your cell phone. And personally, I’m not only complicit, I’m a full-on culprit. I’m not only a client, I’m the player president. (ref. B.I.G.)
But c’mon, I’m a product of our society right? So it’s actually your fault, too, if you really think about it. Just let that one sink in while I describe for you (in graphic detail) the horror that is today’s singles’ scene. The following narrative may not be suitable for all audiences. Reader discretion advised.
Still there? Obviously. Undoubtedly, more interested post-disclaimer, ya degenerates! I should know…
Now, let’s take a little stroll down Tinder lane, and take a gander at the virtual population, who are clearly single for good reason (myself included). Anyone can play. It’s free and fun for all ages! Just make an account and swipe away! Ready? Begin.
First and foremost: photos. For women, this means: duck face, kiss face, lots of boobs, yoga poses, butts, more boobs, enough makeup to contour your duck face beyond recognition, liberal photoshopping, and a plethora of overtly sexual pics that are borderline slutty. But heyyy, we have a strict No Slut Shaming policy on this blog, and sex sells, right? You know you like it! The people demand it. In fact, Tinder will actually optimize your profile for you to select the most desirable main photo, and it’s never the one of your dog. Ain’t love grand?!
For men, photos typically include: ambiguous group shots (which one are you?!), shirtless bathroom selfies (oftentimes with unfortunate tattoos), and, of course, the obligatory tiger pic (because you just haven’t lived until you’ve posed with a captive endangered species!). These staples may be accented with: handstands in unexpected places (deep!), guy shooting gun (bc ‘Merica!), generic memes (bc inspirational quotes have clearly worked for you thus far), and/or random landscapes (look away!). This is all dependent on the ratio of cockiness over dadbod.
*Footnote: you may be familiar with the hot/crazy ratio commonly referenced with regard to female rankings. Likewise, the cocky/dadbod ratio is a proven indicator of male fortitude. Sorry, but you can’t deny science… or can you? I digress…
Anyway, once a user has set up their profile with plenty of outdated, misleading, and presumably flattering photos to optimize their appearance and sex appeal (read: spinning a pictorial web of lies), it’s time for the tricky part: writing the profile. Yes, as in using our words. Mind=blown.
For the more fortunate users whose heads have not exploded at this point, it’s your time to shine! There are several popular options:
1. The ‘humble’ brag- It’s the Old Faithful of online dating. This is your go-to, your bread and butter. Think Man of the Year meets Spider-Man (or sex kitten meets girl next door). You’re basically the Dos Equis Most Interesting Man/Woman in the World, but way hotter (duh!), and hopefully without the mustache and the implied Mexican heritage.
It starts (and ends) with blatant self-promotion: “never married” (shocker!), “no kids” (thankfully), “have a job, my own place, and a car” (go you, adulting and everything!). Then, be sure to suddenly switch verb tenses and include a list of action words: “lifting, running, jumping, climbing, riding, eating, drinking, breathing, surfing, blinking, foosball, & being fuckin awesome!” Always say you love travel and adventure, since you’re clearly looking for a “partner in crime” and definitely “not looking for a hook up,” since you’re so above it all. “When I’m not jet-setting to 87 countries and counting, I’m mindlessly swiping through strangers’ profiles on my phone (and probably holding up the line at Starbucks)… Living the dream!”
Guys, insert height here IF and ONLY if over 6′. This is the most critical information, and basically your only defining characteristic.
Also, be sure to mention either pizza or tacos (bc who doesn’t love tacos?!). Work it in. Finish strong with your IG and/or snapchat handle. #winning
2. Too stupid for all that word writing and effort?! Go the all-emoji route. Because nothing says “I’m a catch” like a tiny cartoon baseball! Feeling extra confident? Go big with the eggplant or peach emoji! Here’s some tried & true combos. For the ladies: 💋🌸🍸💃🏻🤐💅💁🏼❓🛍💸💕🍷🍑
For the bros: 🍻🏈🏄🎣⛷🎱🍕⚽️🎾💰⚾️🌮🏐🍆
Because reading is for losers! #prettypictures
3. Feeling a little daring? Go rogue and all tough guy / too cool for Tinder: “If you wanna know, just ask.” It’s basically the Fonzi of profiles, for when you just can’t be bothered, and your mystery is only exceeded by your power. #zerofucksgiven
As a general rule (this means you), if there are any children in your pics (vom) be sure to clarify “not my kid.”
Exes in your photos? That’s your “sister/brother.”
Group shot? You better be the hottest one in it (no exceptions).
These are the rules of online dating, as I see them. You shall abide by them, or suffer the consequences (how’s that working out for ya?!)
More to come, including but not limited to: messaging, the meet up, the Do’s and Don’ts of D pics (hint: it’s all Don’ts), and ‘Wtf just happened?!’