“The Talk” aka that which we shall not speak of

Disclaimer: the opinions expressed in the following narrative do not necessarily represent good judgement or sound advice.  Proceed at your own risk.

Now then, I assume you’re still reading, which is reassuring to me personally, but casts you in some serious shade. Anyways…

Since I’m clearly an expert in relationships and all things interpersonal, I consider it my civic duty to share my profound knowledge and predisposition for profanity.  Think of me as a modern day yenta, a non-creepy Fiddler on the Roof type matchmaker (but smoking hot and without religious connotations), or a wise old maid / crazy cat lady (who’s slightly allergic).

There comes a time in every woman/dude’s life when somehow, some way, you met an actual living person who you LIKE like (gasp!). No porn or technology or anything!😍💗🍆🍑🤙🏽

It’s like you’ve just seen a gd unicorn! “What the F just happened?!” 

It’s kinda like accidentally eating molly, but in a romantic way, without human trafficking, and with butterfly kisses, and jazz hand flashbacks, and whatever else your bag is. It’s like you’re Baby in Dirty Dancing, or Patrick Swayze, but no one puts ya in the corner, and you def had the time of your life.💗

One person eventually suggests, “Hey, I like you. Maybe we shouldn’t cheat on eachother and be exclusive?!”

Stop. Drop. Roll. 

Stop. Collaborate & Listen.

Regulators, mount up! 

Be afraid. Be very afraid! 

When confronted by a bear in the wild, make no sudden moves. Back away slowly. Because only you can prevent forest fires. Smokey knows. Good, now get out and no one gets hurt.  Slow fade the fuck outta there!

But ya like him/her?!t Told ya: shit’s about to get real. And hopefully firemen are en route 🙏🏼

Anyways, about that life partnership you’ve subconsciously predetermined, and are already emotionally banking on…

I know you’re super pumped and relieved that maybe it’s really not you. But reader, lemme splain you one ting: you are still your one and souly.  

Pump the brakes! This is the “Wtf just happened?!”  moment for introspection.

Once opened, you can never close pandoras box of horrors. Why ruin a perfectly good thing?! There’s no retreat, no surrender. In The Boss we trust!

Still helm bent on engaging in exclusive relationshiphood? You poor bastard! If so, here are some helpful tips. I know, you’re confused and all googly eyed. No worries, I’ll break it down for you using small words and bite sized tid bit takeaways, with a Salt Bae sprinkle of sarcasm. 

Realistic goal: resist all urges to stage 5 cling. I can not stress this enough. 

Ladies, maintain the upper hand at all times by being sexy yet standoffish. Unfortunately, men (and women) want something new. Be that new car smell. Keep it fresh! For yourself… be wild, and be kinda mean. Not to your ppl, just to your dude. Maybe counterintuitive, but you’re already out on this limb. We’ve come this far, let your sexy bitch flag fly. It’s time to channel your inner Beyoncé. Actually, it’s always time for that.

Dudes, do the exact opposite. Be sensitive, attentive, and always first to apologize. Trust, this will make it easier on you in the long run. Sacrifice that faberge egg of an ego for some good sex and way less drama in the long run. You’ll thank me later.

In conclusion, when you’re considering entering the danger zone of exclusive relationships, think the opposite of Nike: just DON’T do it. Look what happened to Tiger Woods! And basically every other committed person I’ve ever met. You do you!

I’m the worst matchmaker ever! But I know you won’t listen anyway 😉

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